Conviction and Grace

No one is perfect. I do not strive for perfection, rather I am daily compelled to achieve sainthood. To me, this means that I do my best to know, love and serve God each day. I offer my days, my trials and my achievements - my life - to Him. In my youth, I was more of a spontaneous person, which got me ahead in ways and in trouble at other times. As I approach this middle part of my life, I'm getting better at having actions that are well thought out. Spontaneity is reserved for playing with my children and the adventures we have together. I am consumed with wanting to be a more mature, responsible adult that is respected in my community. I do surround myself with like-minded people, and we encourage each other as we go. It's when I put myself in the public eye that I am faced with ridicule and questioning. So why do I put myself out there? Because it is on my heart that God has called me to evangelize. Maybe not to become a missionary or activist, but a gentle example in word, deed and action. Starting with my family. He has called me to be ready to Lead when the Spirit moves me, and to teach my children to do the same. I think we are all meant for greatness, but with a humble heart that lets others see it is God working through me - and not of myself. That is what I think this sainthood is about.

"Don't shine so that others can see you.

Shine so that through you, others can see [God.]"  - C.S. Lewis

 

This little baby inside me is such another mystery. This is my 7th pregnancy to make it this far, now at 23 weeks. Our 6 children are very excited to welcome a baby boy next spring. We too are so delighted to think about what joy this child will bring to our family! Each child has astounded us with their beautiful personalities and talents that continue to blossom. My husband and I are curious to God's plan in all this that seems so crazy at first, but we trust Him - that He's made this possible and will give us the Grace we need to support our family. Support financially, spiritually, and physically. We have come to realize that our lives are not about us and our achievements. Our grand purpose in life is to help our children become amazing saints for God.

 

Many friends and family have helped us out this past month with prayer, encouragement and some donations. We're doing everything we can to be humble and worthy of their charity and kindness. We are making sure that from this moment forward we are examples of Christ's love in this world, true Catholics living by the teachings we know and studying to get better at it, as well as being responsible with ALL our actions. What miracles and graces that have come into our lives. We've also seen the spirit of true friendship in it all. Often times being physically poor can make you feel so rich in countless ways! Then when we are better off physically, we can be the miracle in someone else's life! What a gift!!!

God can use your life, broken or whole!

Currently we have been focusing on spending time with our children, family and friends. It's the holidays. But we are also focusing on self discipline, money management and physical health. The children are looking to us as an example. We've been a little relaxed in a way that has made parenting more challenging than it needs to be. So after years of trial and error, I think we finally found a method of reward and discipline that works for us. We've realized how we need to react to and teach each child to help them form their souls and personhood. We're more attentive, "slow to anger - rich in kindness." We're being more open with them about our finances, talking to them about responsible spending and what charity means in our life right now. We're looking for opportunities to share our talents and time in volunteering and donations.

Then, in respect for our bodies being a Temple of the Holy Spirit, we are focusing on eating healthier. This will improve our energy, moods and in part financial responsibility. We're starting off the New Year with doing a Whole 30 before resuming our Paleo nutrition plan. Then it's almost time to get the seedlings ready for our garden. We're trying for smarter not harder version of gardening!  We're already off to a good start after consulting our doctor on ways to cut back the pounds. Pinteresting many ideas. Reading up on NFP methods and ways to improve my imbalances. I can truly envision a healthier family in 2015!

Overall I feel confident that we are making the right choices. If we mess up, somehow God will redirect us back on our paths. Many times we've learned that what seems like a mistake or challenge can be turned into something beautiful and meaningful.

 

***

Ephesians 3:14-21 (NASB)

^"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen."

***

 

While we are very well supported in our life by family and friends, there will always be that anonymous commenter or acquaintance who thinks they know better for us. To them I say - hush yourselves! If you do not talk to us on at least a monthly basis… real, face-to-face (or phone), open conversations without censoring… you don't know enough to comment so negatively or judge so harshly. I appreciate you taking the time to comment, but many times your words are just fluttering opinions of the secular world that mean nothing to us. Those who really know us or live a similar way, understand our convictions and that our actions and thoughts are in most cases properly supported by spiritual advisors and church teaching, and well thought out from experience, prayer and study.

I do my best every day to learn more about God's will for me and all Catholics. I do my best every day to make sure that everything I do is an offering to God, because this life is His, not mine. This blog is my place to share that journey with others. To share my knowledge, my frustrations, my convictions with those who are in a similar place.

If you are frustrated by my life, because it's not where you're at - you are not obligated to comment or read my blogs. It's okay to just move on. If you actually know us, you are welcome to open the discussion in person and not hide behind your computer anonymity. But if for some reason you are compelled by my statements to learn more about the "whys" of my comments/decisions… ask away! I'd be happy to share resources and thoughts.

 

 

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Having More Babies

Just a quick note for my little crowd of readers, I'm Pregnant!

Yup, this will be pregnancy #9 (lost 2), my 7th cesearean, and the 7th one to tear apart our house someday. Lets just say that despite our best efforts to avoid pregnancy, I didn't account for my breast milk supplements running out for the reason I had dry signs. I thought I was clearly in phase 3. NOPE, it was peak day.

Oh well, we've had plenty of time to process our worries, fears, concerns, excitement, and the fact I was only 5 1/2 months post partum when it happened. Our youngest will be 14 months old when the baby is born. But it turns out the kids had been praying for another. So sweet.

This is our recent ultrasound and all is well with baby and mama.

What do I make of this? God has a plan.

Do I like his plan? Not all the time, but I trust it.

Do I like being pregnant? Usually.

Do I like trying to avoid using NFP? Nope. Most don't.

What do I think about having 7 kids? We live in a zoo, what's one more monkey?

Will I consider other means of contraception after this baby is born? No way, Jose.

Why not? Because God has taught us through the Church, that it is sinful, selfish, against our marriage vows... and because it is poisonous for your body and your marriage.

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Family Centered SIXTH Cesarean

It was out of our humanity that we conceived a child,

but it was from our faith in God and cherishing all life

that she was born.

 

An eighth pregnancy was definitely a surprise. But as before, we knew it would be a good one.

 

I knew I'd get bigger, when I was already big.

 

I knew my youngest wouldn't be my baby anymore.

 

I knew we'd be maxing out our suburban.

 

And I knew it would mean more diapers, more food, and more self help books.

 

But when I packed up our children for Grandma

Packed my bags

And hitched a ride to the Hospital

We knew that everything was going to go wonderfully.

As she was placed upon my chest and began to nurse.

And my baby and my husband got to be there - the whole time.

 

She's beautifully perfect.

Just like the others.

Things went so well, we couldn't wait to bring her home, so we left earlier than ever before.

 

It's been challenging at home, but everyone has had their chance to hold and love her.

 

It is NOT easy to be a mother of many children. But I love them, and I am glad that God called me to be a mother to such delightful young souls. It's not about me and what I want for my life. Most likely, it's about them and who they will become and the lives they'll touch. God has a plan for each and every one, even if I didn't plan any of them. Who am I to mess with God's plan!?

God is good!

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Family Centered Cesarean Planning

We are so excited!

  A Family Centered Cesarean is the result of my search for the best, most natural c-section delivery I can possibly have. Thus far my doctor is on board and we're very excited for these little but marvelous changes. The main difference with this repeat cesarean is that I will be allowed to see the birth, hold my baby to my chest immediately and keep her with me during recovery. Minimal separation.

Here is the ICAN post about it:

http://blog.ican-online.org/2012/04/14/the-family-centered-cesarean/

And this is the inspiring video featuring the God-send of a midwife who made it possible.

http://youtu.be/m5RIcaK98Yg

This is a sample of the birth plan I handed over to my doctor. Most things already happen, but it's all laid out and my bolded sentences are my top priorities. Feel free to copy it!

BIRTH PLAN

During Surgery

• No antacid prior to surgery. I will take 2 Prilosec the night before.
• Put IV in my non-dominant arm, Not hand.
• Get my husband in the surgery room asap.
• I’d like a non-drowsy, anti-nausea med if possible (Zofran)
• No sedatives after birth. I want to remember my baby’s first day of life.
• Monitors on me to be placed on my back instead of chest to make room for baby.
• I'm keeping my placenta (for encapsulation)

Baby

• Please lower the screen just before delivery so I may see the birth of our baby.
• Slow delivery allowing physiological autoresuscitation, similar to vaginal birth for clearing lungs.
• If possible, allow the cord to continue pulsing after the birth so Baby may start breathing on her own while still attached to the placenta. About a 2 min delay.
• Please allow for skin-to-skin contact immediately after delivery and evaluate Baby on my chest.
• Keep cord long for daddy to cut while baby is in my arms.
• No Eye Gel, No Hep. B vaccine. No circumcision. I will sign the waiver ahead of time.

Recovery

• Once back in our room to recover and been checked as stable, we would like to be alone with Baby to nurse.
• We would like to keep Baby with us at all times. If Baby must go to the NICU due to medical reasons, my husband will follow. My husband or I will accompany the baby for any out of room checkups.
• I am willing to be up and walking as soon as possible
• I would like my Catheter out early the morning after surgery
• I would like to eat and have the IV removed as soon as possible after surgery
• I will be nursing on demand and whenever Baby is fussy to help stimulate my milk to come in and to soothe Baby. No pacifiers or supplementing without my permission.

A PACKING LIST for a Cesarean Delivery

Mom:
Robe, Nursing PJs, Slippers, Nursing Bra
Nursing Cover, Nursing Bracelet
Pillow with fun, identifiable pillowcase
Personal Hygiene and Makeup (teeth, hair, face, body)
Opt nursing pillow
Going home clothes (think comfy, stretchy)
Eye glasses & case/wipes


Dad:
PJs & pillow
Snacks/Drinks, cash for food
Camera, Phone, Contact List


Baby:
(In same suitcase or diaper bag)
First photo and/or going home outfit
Pacifiers
Blanket, hat, etc
Car Seat (cover)


Misc:
Ipod, CDs, DVDs, Books/Reader, Camera
Gum/Mints
Tape to hang cards/drawings
Opt Hobby - crochet/knit
Visitor Gifts, sibling gifts

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My Natural Family Plan Worked

Well, not really. I've been doing NFP for years now, but we're still refining it. Apparently I'm more fertile than I thought I'd be early on in the cycle, and not always good at reading the signs. But we're always happy when it comes to adding another family member. Each one is such a delight, and we wouldn't change a thing.

What really "worked" is Our Openness to Life!

Click on picture to enlarge and read our thoughts!

 

We are thrilled to announce that our "Brady Bunch" days have arrived [Except for Alice]. We are expecting a GIRL in February and she'll tie us up having 3 girls and 3 boys! We'd be excited either way, as such news is always joyful - after a short adjustment period. I must admit, I was a bit nervous at first - but I'm so giddy. In fact, I told Tom God's will is simply too funny not to smile. This was definitely His plan and not ours, but we're very okay with it!

 

(Tom is really happy too, the picture is just a joke!)

 

It should be an interesting year, as we sold ALL our girl clothes sz0-5T just last year. We also sold our bassinet, maya wrap, Breastfriend nursing pillow, playpen, and other baby items. Fortunately, I love to shop, sew and find bargains on Craigslist! I happened to keep the car seat and bottles, though I plan to give breastfeeding a good try again. (Doesn't work out for more than 3-7 months for me.) Our local Just Between Friends (second hand/consignment) Sale is on the calendar. And I'm already to sew up a Ring Sling, Car Seat Cover, Nursing Cover, cloth diapers and Dresses courtesy of my large stock of fabrics for my Modest Mommies home business.

 

Pray for us, as we are in the midst of deciding whether or not to stay and shift things around, add on, move or build. After buying a new nine-passenger Suburban, we don't have much wiggle room in our budget.

 

Blessings to all our family friends, be they small or large.

Tom & Melissa

 

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Done Having Children

How can I be "Open to Life" when "I'm Done?"

Many couples, whether it be after their first, third or sixth child come to a point where they decide their family is complete. We are ready to do new things we couldn't do with little ones, or perhaps we've maxed our finances and stress levels. Therefore, we've decided to not have any more children. BUT we're a couple who follows God's desire for us to be open to life and not use contraception or sterilization. Our only choices are abstinence and Natural Family Planning. (And we all know the abstinence thing ain't happening.) How can we be "open to life" when "we don't want to have any more children?" In this situation we ask ourselves "Why is it so hard, when we've done the right thing all along? Am I now being closed to God's will by not wanting any more? Why can't I have surgery when we're so certain? NFP was great for conceiving children, but how effective is it at avoiding pregnancy?"

These are great questions, all which I myself have pondered before and after each pregnancy. All eight pregnancies, including two miscarriages and five cesareans thus far. There is much that the church and its teachers have to say about this. But sometimes hearing from someone who's experienced this battle can provide the support you need to be confident about your choice to let God take charge of your family and be at peace with whatever may come.

 

Many have read My Pro-Life Story and know that in the beginning, becoming pregnant the first time was not as much of a joy as it could have been. My first pregnancy was while we were engaged, so the joy was dampened at first with shame felt amongst my family and friends for having had premarital sex. To some I simply stated that the difference between us and them was that "we got caught" because we chose not to use contraception. To others we simply asked for their prayers. Fortunately we were already in love and planning to have a family. After our wedding at five months pregnant, there came acceptance and we could move into baby bliss. We knew it wasn't the right order of things. After asking God for forgiveness for our poor choices in the Sacrament of Confession, He took that moment and made it beautiful. Years later, we can't imagine how our life would be without our first or any of our children.

In the beginning, many are not charting. They're not necessarily trying to get pregnant or not to get pregnant. For many, it just happens when it does. Obviously there are many who struggle with fertility, and others who postpone pregnancy until after certain goals are met. Then there are those like us who forget that we can have control over our passions when the time isn't right. The main point is, in most early marriages, the couple wants to have a baby. It's not a complicated decision at this point.

It was just months after she was born I yearned to have a child that was born of our married love. To be able to share the good news with others. Using the basics of NFP we had learned at our engagement retreat (which is not enough by the way) we followed my cycle to try to conceive.  My cycles kept getting further apart, as far as 70 days and no pregnancies. But finally God knew it was time for us to have a son. At the ultrasound, I found out that I was a whole month further along than I had thought. Before I knew it I had two children, a girl and a boy. Many commented on their beauty and what a complete family we were. Complete? Really, with just two children? I grew up as an only child until age 9, we adopted a newborn sister, and then when I was 15 my mom had my brother. My husband just had a brother 16 months younger than himself. I wanted our children to experience near aged siblings that would become playmates and lifelong friends. I did not feel our family was complete. After two cesarean deliveries, my doctor thought it wasn't wise to consider more births. At that young ages of 22 and 24 I didn't take the time to ask and research about VBACs and I didn't take more classes on NFP to space out my children as needed to heal.  I simply felt ignorant and powerless about what I should or shouldn't do.

Young couples need proper guidance by faith abiding couples in their parish and family. It's good to have that mentorship early on so a couple has a place to confidently go when they are not sure what to do. They need to hear that no person can advise them how many children is enough and learn how to respond to people who dismiss their calling to parenthood.

Some time went by, and I did become pregnant again only to loose him in the 6th week. No one had ever taught or talked about miscarriages, and the lack of support and information threw me into my deepest depression. After beginning therapy and anti-depressants we decided that it was best to give up on the idea of more children, at least for now. Armed only with our basic knowledge of NFP, we just tried to avoid fertile times. That joy of anticipating a child turned into a deep sorrow and it became harder to be intimate because of constant worry. It was very hard on our marriage and our faith. I was in a state where I didn't want to confide in God, and to me, His will stunk.

Couples, before you get married - go to a Natural Family Planning class offered by your clinic or church community. It will tell you so much about your body's natural cycle of fertile and infertile days. Know that there are support groups for infertility and miscarriages. You're never alone in this.

Now just a few months later, during one of those emotional, make-up sex moments… we got pregnant again. I was on anti-depressants and felt unconnected to my body and emotions. It was only days after I realized I was pregnant that I miscarried again. With me in a dazed state, it seemed clear to my husband that we had to become better at this Natural Family Planning or give into the world's methods of contraception.  Something had to change. I'll just say we didn't get to the research fast enough, because just a month later we were pregnant again.

So here we are, pregnant with our third child, fifth pregnancy. Fortunately the hormones helped balance out my disorderly thoughts and we were joyful once again. Therapy was a huge help. When our daughter was born, we went right off to NFP training for breastfeeding mothers and follow-up classes together to avoid pregnancy. It seemed the right thing to do because we were now at three cesarean deliveries, increasing the risk of rupture, and I was on medication. Three children, we felt complete, and life was fun. We were finally pulling our marriage together. Yet, all the while, the doctor kept discussing tubal ligation and other contraceptives. I wasn't prepared and he advised me to seek my priest's advice "in this situation" thinking there was some loophole to our faith for "someone like me." The following posts came after speaking to friends, priests, and researching.

 

NFP: What is it?

Rules on Makin' Love and Makin' Babies

Great Pro-Life Quotes

Cesarean Awareness Month: Considering VBACS

Trying to see the pluses: Hope after miscarriage

My Pro-Life Story

What I still can't figure out is why it took me 7 years into my marriage and five pregnancies to find out what my faith required and what being "open to life" meant. Why aren't couples taught this during marriage prep? Why aren't these things discussed during life classes in school? Why aren't mothers talking openly about these things when we get together? The days of being hush-hush about our sexuality is long over. It's time for open discussion and adults feeling confident to research faith and science before making hasty decisions about their fertility. It is time for a generation that teaches teenagers and adults in appropriate ways, so that no woman or couple is left wondering or alluded way before they become sexually active.

 

As you'll read in those linked posts, it took a lot of research, discussion and encouragement from the right people for us to realize that we weren't being open to life as God intended. We were making assumptions because we had been so embarrassed to talk about it. But with our new resources, we were armed and ready for discussions with medical professionals and friends. We were ready to use NFP to avoid pregnancy the best we knew how, but we were open to the possibility that God had more gifts of children waiting for us. We were never again going to say "We're done" incase God wasn't done. The more we talked about it together and with others, we became more confident in our choice.

It was after this new streak of confidence that despite our best efforts, God made a way for us to conceive a fourth child, a son. This was a most joyful pregnancy because we put all our trust in God. We put aside fear, anxiety and past notions. Putting all our trust in God's plan for us, and the miracle of God bringing us this child, we couldn't be happier. He was conceived because we were intimate just before signs of ovulation had occurred. We followed all the rules, but God made a way.

Would you believe it happened again!? When he was two, God blessed us again! Sometimes in marriage, when you are truly open to life, and you're truly "excitable," you just say to your spouse in the moment - "If we're meant to get pregnant again, tonight's the night!"  And you're at peace with whatever comes. At this point it didn't seem so impossible to have a large family as all our friends were in the same boat and doing fine. At four we simply had a starter family, and now with five we were experienced parents. Some told me it gets easier after five. (I'm still trying to figure out why they say that?)

Now I must say, after five children, we realized we were maxed out for energy and parenting. Being open to life had a new meaning. It wasn't easier, it was harder. It wasn't about the multiple cesareans. It wasn't about the lack of space or craziness in our household. It became financially stressful to consider more children, and as a mother I felt at my limit. Last year I took a real grasp on my health issues and made some big changes. We started looking forward to having children growing up and not having to worry about a baby's needs. Homeschooling took up a lot of time, and dividing time amongst 5 children was often a challenge. We sold and gave away a lot of baby clothes, toys and maternity items. It was just this spring I was confident that God smiled at our family and understood we were okay with moving to the next phase of our family. I was okay that I had had my last baby.

 

Couples reach this point at some time. As we get closer to 40 years old, we realize that we'd like to retire with children out of the house. We create new goals including vacations, education, careers, social and more. It is not selfish to move into this phase. It's a natural part of maturing and spending your time doing things you love to do as a person and as a family. At this point, being open to life doesn't mean getting pregnant. It means not changing your body by any artificial means that could prevent God from inspiring new life. Again, you need the confidence that God is in control of our lives and His way is infinitely better than our own.

Because of the changes in my diet and thyroid supplements, my cycle was getting a little harder to chart. It wasn't predictable as before. But I had confidence in the rules of NFP for avoiding pregnancy. After years of charting, I got a really good idea how it works.  I look back today and saw I did take a risk during a logically fertile time (thick mucous one day, followed by 4 days dry, intimacy, then a return to fertile signs with a peak day). So while NFP is 99.9% effective when followed correctly, God takes that .1% chance and can make it happen. God's mysterious ways have lead to my current and eighth pregnancy with our sixth child.

"We were done!" I cried. "God, give me the peace I need to accept this pregnancy as your will, as it is certainly not mine." I've cried in the arms of my husband, trying to add humor to let go and be happy. "Good thing we just bought a nine passenger Suburban!" This was not the plan we had. "Where's the baby going to sleep? We've sold so much!" I've prayed for reminders of joy this will bring to our family. "The kids are thrilled! They're already discussing names, like Yoda and Leia."

Anyone who makes plans that go awry are certain to be disappointed for awhile. Being pregnant when you do not want to be can bring horrible thoughts and feelings, but do not despair! Seek God! Because when his GRACE takes you beyond those ill thoughts, YOU CAN FIND JOY! You can make a new plan!

Writing this at six weeks pregnant, while there is much newfound joy, there have been moments of uncertainty. In those moments, I cry out to God for guidance, peace, grace, wisdom, and patience. All I can do is trust in God. He hears and answers me with one word.

LOVE.

What does it take to be a good parent?

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

What does it take to accept unwanted pregnancies?

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

What does it take to move past infertility and miscarriages?

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

What does it take to manage a large family?

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Where does this love come from?

GOD. Because GOD IS LOVE.

He inspires it, we feel it, we share it.

"Love one another, because I have loved you." - John 13:34-35

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, surely I will help you; Surely I will uphold you with my righteous hand."  - Isaiah 41:10

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you…"   - Jeremiah 1:5

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward."  - Psalms 127:3

"Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world."  - John 16:21

"But women will be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint."  - 1 Timothy 2:15


All my love,
  "Fertile Myrtle"

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Rules on Making Love and Babies

I have done extensive research about sterilization. Coming upon another cesarean delivery, I was told my risks of rupture increase with each surgery and pregnancy. (not necessarily true, but none the less...) I was faced with the decision to rely solely on Natural Family Planning or chose tubal ligation or another form of Birth Control. Well, as a practicing Catholic, I wanted to be certain that I was not going against the church's teachings. I wanted to know what those teachings were, and how they applied to my situation.

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Our Culture - The Perfect Storm

I've been humbly taking part of defending marriage and life. My mind has been bubbling with things I want to say to anyone who will hear or read it. Last Sunday Father Dufner said it all so eloquently I had to share his incredible Homily with all of you. Please take the time to listen and share it.

Our Culture: The Perfect Storm

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Where do babies come from?

An excellent video that expresses the love and anticipation of having a baby.

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Say a prayer for baby and me

With just days until my fifth cesarean delivery, I hope you will join me in prayer. My body is tired, and I'm anxious as well as nervous. Praying for God to grace me with peace.

~ Melissa

 

Loving God,

You formed a child in a mother's womb,

and have brought them both safely to the end of the pregnancy.

Hold the hand of Your servant Melissa now and keep her safe;

put Your own Spirit into her very breathing and into the new baby, Edward,

for whom we wait with awe and hope.

Guide the hands of the surgeons during the delivery,

and send Your love and care through their nurses and visitors.

We ask this through Christ Our Lord.

Amen.

A Mother's Prayer for a safe delivery...

St. Elizabeth, through the great blessing which,

at the birth of thy son John, thou did receive from God,

I beseech thee to obtain for me the grace

that I may be preserved from all danger,

and happily bring our child into the world. Amen.

Venerable mother St. Anne, obtain for me,

through the ever-blessed child, the Blessed Virgin Mary,

that no accident may befall me,

but that my child may come safe and sound into the world. Amen.

O Mary, Mother of my Redeemer,

through thy high prerogative and thy divine Son,

I pray thee to obtain for me the help and blessing of God,

that I may happily survive the paint of delivery,

and that my child may receive the grace of holy Baptism. Amen.

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A Letter to my first baby

Since My ProLife Story has been accepted with love and respect, I thought it a wonderful thing to share with you the thoughts of an unmarried young woman facing an unplanned pregnancy. This is the letter I wrote to my daughter the day I found out I was pregnant with her. I hope it will somehow reach another woman as comforting in the face of adversity. These 10 years later, I cannot believe how graced I was in hopefulness and knowledge of things to come. I have yet to read it to my daughter, but know the time will be coming very soon.

 

January 3, 2002

To my sweetheart,

Today is the day you became real to me. My future has never been certain, and over much time I have found that God never gives us more than we can handle. He must believe me to be very strong, though I am weak without Him.

I grew up being loved by your grandparents. They taught me how to live as a Christian, and more so as a Catholic, with much responsibility. They taught me how to love unconditionally. Mom and Dad have always held me to my actions and their consequences. Today I am facing the fact that I have acted not according to God’s will, but my own. For that I am deeply sorry. You must remember this: that what you do always affects another, whether or not it is directly.

Tom has meant the world to me lately. He has seen me through the tears when I lost my job, and when I had lost hope. He has seen me though my smiles, and made many ever so bright, when I got a new job, over the holidays, as well as those long rides in the woods. Tom reminds me of my dad when I was young. How he’d hold me in his arms, up on his lap, and shower me with kisses. Dad loves me unconditionally, as so does Tom. Nothing could waver it.

Tom and I have been talking about our wedding day since a few weeks after we met. I think it quite the romantic story that I hope to tell you someday. We’ve been talking about it more and more each day. Everyone knows how serious we are about each other, but our engagement has not been made official (with the diamond ring, just a promise ring all worn to the copper, no announcements). He’s been trying to make sure everything is just right, to make it very special for us.

I am writing you right now because I want to tell you that I know you will be very smart, just like your father and me, and will figure out that we will be married after you were conceived. I am writing so that you understand that we are not getting married because of you, rather because we are very much in love with each other. And you are a result of this love we share. We plan on giving you all our love, and the best life we can offer. The rest is up to you. This is another lesson I’ve learned with my life.

I’ve prayed for your father since I was about 11 years old. I prayed to God that He would bring a man into my life that would support me in my life, beliefs, and share in all my joys - as I would in his. I am so happy to have found him, rather he found me! I’ve wanted to be a mother for even longer. To be able to care for someone that came from me. Someone to love unconditionally, and to the best of my ability. To teach the things I’ve learned, especially my faith in God. So understand that my feelings right now are of happiness to have the two things I’ve always wanted, just not the way I thought they would be.

Tom knows that I may be pregnant, but not for sure. We are going to a wonderful place called Birthline, tonight. They will tell us for sure and help support us in whatever we need at this time. I’ve always been rather calm about these kinds of situations, though this one is much bigger than the rest. You will definitely be our child always, and we plan on raising you as our son or daughter. Your aunt is adopted and was a true blessing to our family. So that is something I may have considered if the situation was different, but because of the certainty of my relationship with Tom, and my love for you, I couldn’t bear to give you away to another family.

Tom will be home soon, and we’ll be going to find out what to do next. Yes, I am worried about telling my parents and his. My family has gained great respect in this community and elsewhere. We haven’t pride, but have a need for respect. Some may look down on this for awhile, but as I mentioned before, my parents love me unconditionally, as so will they love you. People will not be upset at Tom and I, rather at the decision we made. And will watch closely at how we respond.

I hate to think of this as anyone’s “fault” or as a “problem.” It sounds so negative. The birth of any baby is a joyous occasion. I love your father so much I found him hard to resist. I have always believed in abstinence and waiting until marriage. But I am telling you it is most definitely not easy. Sometimes when you love much, you may think less about the results of loving too much too early. It’s not my fault, rather a wrong decision I made, that will effect my life, Tom’s, our families, and most especially yours. For that I am deeply sorry.

I worked with teens the past couple years through the church, and when I was in high school. I’ve seen friends and coworkers become suicidal, lost, unloved, addicted to drugs and alcohol… and I’ve done what I could at the time to comfort them and point them to the way of Christ. And yes, sometimes I’ve failed with them, and even with myself. But since I met Tom, I’ve been getting my life back they way it needed to be. I needed to grow up, learn to be responsible for myself, and strengthen my relationship with my parents and siblings. With my small efforts, God has put many great things before me. At the last conference I went to I was told by a spiritual leader that God had big plans in my life. God doesn’t change his plans, and I trust that as always, he will help me through this.

This letter is a lot for me as well as for you when I find the right moment to read it to you. Please forgive me if this has made your life difficult in anyway. We are both very sorry it happened this way. I am not sure if we can even make it up to you, but I promise to love you unconditionally for always.

Tom always writes a message for me on my little board on my fridge for me to read when I wake up or when I get home. Many times an “I love you” or “Good luck today.” It made me feel special and confident that I am doing the right thing. Here’s my message for you today:

To my baby,

You are a miracle, who has brought tears to my eyes. Tears that love you as you are, and who you will become. In hopes that your father and I will make you proud, and feel loved every day of your life. I am afraid of what some might say, but I have never been more certain that everything will be all right. I told Tom just the other day ‘Love surpasses all understanding.’

All my love,

Melissa

Your Mother

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MY Pro-Life Story

My own thought…
"Uterus: It should NOT be legal for surgeons to remove life from here, nor pharmacies to sell drugs that kill life in here, nor scientists to remove and try to make their own new life from here. If you want to do something with your body, it is your choice, whether it is a moral choice or not. But it should not be Legal for other professionals to destroy life or aid this kind of murder at any stage new or old, even at the mother's request."
More of my prolife links at end of story.

I've occasionally been asked to tell my prolife story. But I've never written it down before, so here it goes in Respect for Life around the world this January 22nd - the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.


Some background on myself, I was born just before the 1980s to a devout and humble Catholic mother and Catholic father converted from Lutheran by my mother before their marriage. My first decade of life I spent sitting at their feet during Bible Studies they led. They took me on pilgrimages in the US, Mexico and Yugoslavia. I never had any reason to doubt my faith, since they seemed to be very knowledgeable in theirs. I was the good girl. I was the "Deacon's daughter."

High school, a public school in particular,  brought new challenges that tested my faith and encouraged me to study my beliefs. My excitement was an evangelistic mood, one my friends came to dismiss. Instead of switching friends, I grew in temptation of their bad habits. I didn't feel like the "goodie-goodie" they once thought I was, and a part of me was ashamed. The other part of me whispered "You've already gone this far down the wrong path, will anything bad you do change the fact you'll be punished?" So I continued to stray and become promiscuous, hitting my peak "naughtiness" at ages 17-22. I began to wear some immodest clothes, began to drink and occasionally smoke, and my boyfriends and I we'll say got way to cuddly. It wasn't until just before college that I found out I had a hormone imbalance with my thyroid and these increased desires were a [side-effect]. In other words, I had to restrain myself and learn some self-control. Tell that to a young adult.

By the time I met Tom online in May 2001, I had had two other sexual partners - both whom I had sworn were "The One." Luckily I had gone to a serious series of confessions to cleanse my soul and ask for a new Spiritual Virginity. I wanted to begin this relationship on the right path. I wanted to be a faithful, God-fearing woman and share my new approach with teens in the groups I was leading. I wanted to follow the rules, even if I didn't yet understand them all.

Tom and I fell in love immediately. After 2 weeks of online and phone chatting, and another 2 weeks of dating, we were certain we were meant for each other. He proposed to me late in the evening on a quiet bench in the gardens along the river. That summer we grew so fond of each other, but the wedding plans had not yet commenced. Urges turned into too many moments alone. That December, now renting my own place and Tom over often, it was not a surprise that we found ourselves staring at a positive pregnancy test.


First I called Birthline, a great support system of Doctors and Counselors that help women with unplanned pregnancies. They confirmed the pregnancy, and supported Tom and I in our efforts to reveal the shocking news to our parents. My parents, as far as I know had no clue I had ever been sexually active. Tom's parents response was "You're pregnant, aren't you?" before a single word came out. We sat my parents down and announced our official engagement and a wedding set just 3 months later. They immediately noticed my lack of excitement, my mother stopped talking to me for two weeks, and my Dad hugged us and gently said into my ear, "You're my daughter and I will always love you very much." With help from my counselor, I found the courage to get back to talking to my mom.

Unwed and Unplanned
HERE IS THE LETTER I WROTE TO MY FIRST BABY



Wedding plans began, passed quickly, and a baby shower shortly after. It was then the real joy began. We were going to be a family. Our faith was renewed through our vows, confessions and just deciding to grow up and be responsible. That August, our little Mikayla was born. After 24 hours of labor with obstacles, we rushed into the surgery room for a c-section. Our precious daughter was born, whom life wouldn't be the same without.



It was exciting to try for another pregnancy, since it was "allowed." We tried for months that seemed like years. Then come fall of 2003 we were pregnant! My basic Natural Family Planning (NFP) skills were not quite refined, and we miscalculated the date of conception - we were one month more pregnant than we had thought! The doctor advised a repeat cesarean delivery to avoid a similar complication. Not knowing any better about VBACs, I did just that. Strangely enough, the nurses asked me in the operating room if he was my last - if they were tying tubes today? FOr heaven's sake.. I'm having a baby! Don't dampen this joy with nonsense. So here he was, our first son, Stanley.


My hormones surged and post-partum depression set in. The baby blues can be rough, but they didn't get the best of me because of my great support system of husband and family. Life got great and looking back, all the mistakes were overcome by God's will for us. They joy grew between my husband, our children and me. In fact, we continued to be open to life, me being at home and enjoying raising little ones for the glory of God.


In the summer of 2006, we found ourselves pregnant with baby #3 - Baby Joseph. It was short lived, and I miscarried at just 6 weeks. It was over before I could even realize it had begun. We had already told family and friends, so telling them the sad news was very difficult.  The nurses called it spontaneous abortion, and that word "Abortion" just rang loudly in my ears as if I had chose for this to happen. I cried a lot, and began to grow weary and weak. I laid in bed a lot and found it hard to be near the other children. I blamed myself for adding the stress of selling our home, painting and working hard outside landscaping for the miscarriage. I got mono, and fell apart at the seams. I felt alone, discouraged and hopeless.

What I didn't realize was that I was falling into a deeper depression than ever before. Medically, I was unstable and entering a serious, severe depression. Even my faith in God to pull me through was gone. I wanted to be gone. Luckily my support system, Tom and my Mother, came to my aid in a rush of panic. They escorted me to the Emergency Room where I spoke with a counselor/therapist. They suggested further therapy, and I rejected the idea that I was "going crazy." A few months later I realized I wasn't getting any better, and it be best that I get help. I thought that if my thyroid medicine had straightened me out, than maybe an anti-depressant could get me though this rough patch. After just a week on the medicine, I was feeling up and okay with waiting to get pregnant again. I didn't realize, I already was.

November 2006, I was pregnant again with baby #4 (Baby Mary) and miscarried at 5 weeks. Again, feeling it was my fault for taking the medicine. Luckily I kept taking it and entered regular therapy sessions with a Psychologist. Life became more stable, and she gave me tips to overcome the sadness and move on with the blessings in my life. She did a pretty good job, because on New Years I got pregnant again with baby #5.



This pregnancy, the doctor got a little weary of the fact that I was on medication and entering a 3rd cesarean delivery which are both risky. It didn't matter what I said about my belief in NFP and religious affirmations - every other appointment we discussed tubal ligation and birth control. It wasn't until the last months that the doctor stopped asking. I now wished I had done a VBAC, as my babies were getting smaller, the hormones were balanced, and insulin controlled gestational diabetes, I was feeling rather healthy for a natural delivery. We went ahead with the c-section and a carefully studied decision against any methods of birth control. Our little Sabrina was born in fall of 2007, healthy as can be!


She was perfect and everything about her made me smile. Life changed for the best upswing in years. Our oldest was now in Kindergarten homeschool with me, and everyone worked together to have fun and enjoy our days. The medicine and therapy continued to build my courage to live a life graced by God. My newest friendships and advanced NFP classes taught me about being truly PRO-LIFE, being OPEN to life. We were so blessed, Tom and I wanted nothing more than to share that with our family and any more children he might bring into it.


"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!"

In 2009, despite the doctors nervousness and my own, we had a successful fourth cesarean delivery of our 6th baby, Jonathan. He was sent to the NICU because being born slightly early (due to my high blood pressure), his lungs had fluid. But only two days later he was at my side. He's been the strongest, healthiest little guy ever since. All of his story is amazing, from the beginning when I thought I was miscarrying at 6 weeks and praying for a miracle, then watching him continue to prove everyone wrong.



Of course, with only breast feeding and NFP, even we became concerned about the possibility of another pregnancy. It was time to tighten the reigns and accept that being truly open to life would be a struggle for the next 10-20 years. With four children, the chaos grew, and my medicine had to be upped. Having the kids home 24-7 was challenging often beyond what I thought I could handle. Again, my support system was strong, and moving closer to my parents and siblings in 2010 certainly has helped.

God has a funny way of showing you what you can handle. I've heard many times, that God doesn't just give you patience, humility, or understanding - he gives you ways to learn it.

So then along His often bumpy road, He reached out and said "You're ready for this." Baby #7, the fifth to stay here on earth with us.

New doctor and clinic, it only took a few visits to realize they were not a pro-life option. My first visits were bombarded with the "truths" they thought I didn't know about how serious another c-section would be. My goodness, I was irate! Here I am accepting the challenge of a new life dependent on me, and knowing all the risks, and he's lecturing me and trying to scare me. What was he thinking, I'd have an abortion on purpose, to ease HIS mind? I swear these doctors today are more afraid of a possible lawsuit that the surgery itself.


Baby#7 at 7wks

I talked with my husband, parents, friends, and priests. It was inevitable that I either had to stay in an attempt to evangelize, or leave and find another clinic further away that would actually care for me in this joyous pregnancy. I prayed over and over to God to make this one of the easier decisions in my life. A visit to an urgent care at another clinic was reassuring to us to make the switch. I went to the new doctor, explained that I hit a rough patch in care at my previous provider, and that I needed a medical staff who was on my side. I explained that I understood all the risks clearly, and my decision was still firm to remain fertile for God's unknown purposes. That each child was a miracle and blessing, that each surgery was successful, and that I knew many other mothers in my circle of friends who were in the same boat. My doctor lovingly smiled, took my hand, and said "I know we'll get along just fine, Sugar!"


Baby #7, a boy - Edward "Eddie" at 20 wks

So here we are, just under 4 weeks away from my 5th cesarean delivery. Ready to bring home a fifth child, to love and nurture. To cherish as much as the other six lives before him. Here we are to tell the story of how God's mysterious love for us is constantly expressed through others and ourselves.

Update: And after a successful delivery and a fun first year with our little Eddie, we couldn't love him any more. He's been such a blessing in the midst of the chaos that is our family. We're all on our way to better health, and looking forward to many crazy adventures. The craziness had lead us to decide that while we remain open to life, we are content with the size of our family. There are joyful days and frustrating days, but we'll gladly take the bad with the good.

If you find yourself pregnant with your first, fifth, or twelfth - consider yourself in the presence of a Gift from God. If you miscarry, consider yourself blessed to have conceived when many other women are saddened by infertility. If you find yourself with an unplanned pregnancy, that perhaps may end in adoption, consider yourself blessed to give life to another family who is thrilled to nurture that child.


Me, my adopted sister, and my miracle brother. All were unexpected. All have been loved and blessed by God and family. All for the greater glory of God - His will be done, not ours.

Because He knows better.

My other pro-life blog posts…
Rules on Makin' Love and Makin' Babies
Natural Family Planning
The Mis-Conception with InVitro Fertilization
Abortions and Parental Consent

This Miracle of Life Inside of Me
What about Testing for Imperfections
Third Trimester Nightmares

Preparing Children for a New Baby
Hosting a Sibling Shower

The American Holocaust
Supporting the Pro-Life Cause
Good Friday Reflection: The Weeping Women of Jerusalem
Great Pro-Life Quotes
Voting as a Catholic

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