Monday, June 2, 2008

Today's results

Well, today I was called by my psychologist's office that there was a cancellation which opened up time for her to meet with me. So close to my few days of misery dealing with PMDD (Premenstural Dysphoric Disorder), I decided it would be a good idea.

She commended me on my progress and the good efforts I have made, including joining the gym with a personal trainer, getting out of the house and starting new friendships, among other things. But she is concerned that I might be exhausting myself with all my efforts towards a "normal, fulfilling life." She says that most people don't go this far, because it's just easier to pop the pill and find the same results.

I told her that I truly belive God gave me what I need to survive and make it work, but I do agree it "shouldn't be so challenging" to be normal! So we're giving it another month before we decide if I should seek an alternative medication to help the bubbling thoughts in my loudening mind quite for some time.

Lucky for me, exercise is a good release of serotonin and that the school year is at an end. I will need to take this summer as a long therapy session with plenty of rest, relaxation, and giving myself permission to have quality time to better myself. That can be with massage therapy, reading books, dance lesson dates with my hubby, long walks, writing these blogs, or whatever "floats my boat" these days.

Am I working too hard at this life? I know it could be a lot harder, but for myself - this is at the edge of what I believe I can bear. I am such an emotional person. These bouts of depression have me hanging by a thread, a thread of faith that stretches from me up to God's hand. Yes, somedays it's like He's yo-yoing me around. Testing my depths, boundaries, strength. Just like in the movie, Evan Almighty, where God says - When a person asks for something, does God give it to them, or does he give them opportunities for it to emerge from within us or around us? I've prayed for years on the virtues I need most, including patience and serenity.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

God won't just say, Okay you now have patience. He will give me wild children that have no patience, He will make us wait weeks for the next job to come, He will allow for intense moments in my life. Then I will have to teach patience, wait, trust, and find peace and serenity.

So here I am hanging on a string of uncertainty, never knowing when He's going to pull or push me. So I pray, pray and pray some more. I drag myself out of bed with a mantra "remember what you are doing this for." What do I remember? It's my eternity, my husband, my children, and others who depend on my existence.

I read today that we must remember that God gave us this gift of life - we only get once chance at it, so we better give it our best effort now otherwise or later may be much worse.

The more I teach my children about our beautiful and flawless Catholic faith, the more I come to understand all that I had once just obeyed unknowingly. I am learning right along with my young ones about what I've spent my life defending. That is why I still believe so strongly that anyone who leaves this faith, never knew what they had to begin with. How GREAT it is. And that is also why those who have converted to Catholicism are so "into it." Why? Because they studied it and saw everything that we Cradle Catholics have taken for granted. So I study. So I continue to believe, and find new reasons why I should. So I teach it to my children so that they too can believe, live the faith, and come to a "second conversion." A conversion where upbringing meets purpose.

I have a purpose.
To know, to love, and to serve God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.
Anything beyond that is extracurricular activities! ;-)

So here's to each and everyday we try to just be normal. May we find our path that God laid out for us, and find courage accept it's twists and turns, hills and holes. But still the only way that leads us back to Him.

Always praying for all of you - friend or foe.

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