Good Grief!

"Good Grief!" - Charlie Brown

Well, I am not sure if I should even be posting this. Today is just a really bad day, and I am not sure if it is hormonal or not. Probably, which means it will pass in 24-48 hours. If not, this sucks big time.

TODAY's 5 STAGES OF GRIEF
1. Denial: Everything is just fine. I am just having a hormonal day.
2. Anger: I hate this life, and I blame everyone else! Why me?
3. Bargaining: Maybe it would be better if someone came to help me watch the kids, so I could get some of these things done. I swear things will get better if someone else takes care of it for me. I promise tomorrow will be better if someone can help me today.
4. Depression: Why even bother, it's hopeless because no one cares enough about me to really help anyways. Everyone else has their own busy days and lives to lead. My husband won't even come home to help, so who else would?
5. Acceptance: I never seem to reach this point completely. I basically pretend the day never happened, dreading the day when it will all come back to me.

If anyone really cares to know why:
I awoke this morning to my husband leaving as usual, but I was so tired yet restless because of the intense pain in my shoulders, back and feet. Therefore I dream, usually bad dreams. And that can set me off for a crabby morning. I didn't get out of bed until 10am, which left the kids on their own for at least an hour. I wish I had stayed in bed.

I got myself out of bed, unwillingly, took my thyroid medication, proceeded upstairs to get Sabrina ready for her day. Mikayla and Stanley had already been busy starting their own in their PJs and dress up clothes. At this point I was only crabby enough to tell the kids to stay upstairs and just get themselves dressed. I then realized I hadn't planned out this week's school days and that the messes were still around as I had left them the morning before (we visited with my parents yesterday instead of going to Tom's grandfather's 80th bday party - another story). So the messes and unfinished projects began to get to me in a very seriously irritating way. THere is so much to get done around here, it's just crazy. Lots of procrastination, and lots of days that we just decided to have family time instead of working on projects.

I went to the office upstairs with the intentions of planning the school week, binding the last yearbook, and clearing off the desks. Instead I found that Stanley had raided the office with his own curiosity - punching bad holes in the expensive copy of the yearbook that I had to give to another family and had took me a long time just to get copied. He deicded to make copies on the printer, a full sheet of black ink - probably a dollar's worth of ink wasted. Downstairs he had distributed my baby's crackers on all the placemats, and who knows what other things I have not yet discovered are waiting for me. Sure, maybe I deserve it for sleeping in. Maybe I should have been up on my wits and had locked the office door. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so hard on him this morning with my yelling and spanking.

But I tell you, today I am just irate to the point my chest hurts, I've cried to my husband over the phone, and I would rather just lock myself in this office for the rest of the day. I'm at a complete loss of control. The kids have overtaken the house, and I could care less. School has not begun, and I could just as well send them all off to public school for those people to take care of them.

WHAT AM I THINKING!?

This just isn't the me I know I can be. But i HATE sucking it up day after day and pretending it doesn't bother me. Most parents would read this and think, that's not so bad, or count your blessings - it could be worse... So, even though my therapy session went incredibly well last week - she told me I had a complete turn around and she was so proud of me - but maybe after today I have to rethink going back on my Zoloft. I can't stand the thought of being on a drug, but at least my kidsa wouldn't have to suffer my "bad days" so often. What to do?

My therapist says that she can't believe what I've been through in the past 2 years, and how far I've come to manage myself. She does agree sometimes I try too hard to be normal on my own. But today, I feel like it's all gone to waste. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile. I feel hopeless and useless. I feel fat, ugly and a complete waste of God's creation. This is truly a bad day for me, and I really don't know where to turn without burdening anyone. How does anyone make it through days like this without medication? How?

Would my children be better off with someone else? Is homeschooling worse for my kids because of days like these and how it could affect them? Or is homeschooling a good choice, since we can skip a day and get caught up later when I am better. Kind of like a sick day.

What do I do? I know not many people read this, but those who do - I certainly value their opinion. Those sain people who seem to have it all together with their crafty days, respectable kids, likeableness and richness in faith. I want that. I want the normalicy, yet it seems so far from reach. There is just too much around me that distracts me from my goals, and I have NO ONE to help me. And I wouldn't burden anyone to ask for help. I'd hate to see that look on their face when they either have to say no, or really would rather say no but say yes anyways.

And because I am one of those people who just need to DO IT MYSELF because know one else gets what I am trying to accomplish, and for some reason I can't explain it well enough - I just end up having to to it myself anyways.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Thanks for reading, if you actually did. Pray for me and my family. I just don't know what else to do. I am still sort of in that angry mode, I don't even want to pray for help myself.

PS - This is normal for me, and I've made it through so many days like this over the past 17 years or so. By the GRACE OF GOD is all I can come up with.