Seeking Serenity, again

UPDATE: This has been edited because those involved want to be censored/anonymous.

I am a fully functional person, full of emotions, who's a procrastinator but performs wonderfully under pressure. Today and yesterday was simply that - a "functional" day. I got up, I talked/wrote a bit, I ate, I made sure the kids stayed alive and fed. Other than that, I was a zombie.

Some of it stems from the fact that just a few weeks ago on facebook, my husband and I posted a simple comment. A "friend" had posted that she had joined the Barack Obama fan club, this was about a day before the inauguration. My hubby's words didn't come out right, but still clearly emphasizing that we could not support a president who's high ranked priority is to make murder via abortion easier. I was so proud of him, and this was very unlike him. Before she even read our brief comments, her 2 brothers chimed in with some vicious and hurtful comments. While responding after much prayer, she began to delete all comments and remove us from her friends/viewing list. I don't even know how much of my response she read. I do know her brothers didn't see my replies at all.

This is a "friend" I grew up with, played with, considered to be like a sister. The older of the brothers, I had looked up to him as if he was my own. I looked past their occasional teasing over the years. She meant so much to me, that when she began talking lightly about drug and alcohol use as a teen, I was concerned and had my mom and her mother intervene. I wasn't sure how serious she was about what she said. So as taught at school I informed my parents OUT OF LOVE I TELL YOU! Of course she lied her way out of it, or she had lied to me and others present. But did she see that, heck no. Years passed, we seemed to let it go, and soon we were involved in each others weddings. I planned her Bridal Shower, and helped with her Baby Shower. Because she meant that much to me. While visiting me recently, she told me she had decided to switch from Catholicism to Lutheran, as her husband is. I stayed polite, since she was my guest, and made strong efforts to pray for her instead of confronting her as I wanted to. But a part of me regreted not discussing it with her in depth. In recent adoration, I had felt called to watch out for her, pray for her, and discuss her new lifestyle with her.

After the "facebook incident" I knew that it would be months or years before she'd move on, as before. And despite my sorrow and fear, last Sunday I attended a gathering at her mom's house. I knew Tom and I were in for either a debate or the silent treatment. I'll be honest, I was hoping for a debate, I was prepared for a debate - but we got the silent treatment instead. I tried light conversation, with little success. Contrary to my usual self, I barely said a word the whole day. I tried not to let it crush my spirits. Yet, it did.

Without going into much detail... At the same time someone very close to me has had a hard time hearing my honest opinions. Last night's chat made it clear that it is best that I just stay out of it all together, even though it affects me deeply.

I am also having friend issues. The same idea that my opinions and self-giving love aren't worthy of respect. That if I don't follow along, than I'm out of the game all together. I hate that - I should be able to enjoy my life, and if I don't want to join in on someone else's idea of fun - I should not have to make excuses, and I should not feel bad about it. I love to be social, but I have social anxieties that many just do not respect. You just might have to drag me kicking and screaming, otherwise say "That's okay, maybe next time you'll feel up to it."

I have had the "just get over it" look or talk given to me one too many times. For those who don't realize - I CAN'T! If I do, it will eat away at me, until I leak everything else out at once. Believe me, my husband doesn't enjoy that at all - because he gets the brunt of it.

So last night, when the heartache got too much to bear, I crawled in bed around 5pm and didn't get out until 11am this morning. I asked Tom if I should go back to my old self, when people liked me a lot. You know, the person who is a good listener, a great friend, but doesn't express her own opinion and focuses on everyone but herself. I remember how many friends I had, but I also remember how used I felt. My weight gain is the best visual of how it hurt.

I decided it would be easier to just go numb to myself, be a functioning person, live my life for God and my family in a more quiet way. It's hard, because I always thought of myself as an evangelist who would someday help others through the armageddon turmoil. But evangelization IS knowledge displayed through positive emotion. It's being a loud example. I just can't get to that positive state of mind with all this heartache and many dead ends.

• What do you do when you want to help others, but they won't let you help them?
• How do you soften that rocky soil, or can't you?
• How can you be an example to others, when no one wants to look at you?
• What parts of myself am I willing to sacrifice to be seen by others?
• When will my wisdom show merit?

I try not to have any regrets, and pull the positive out of any situation. I am hoping that God can fill the voids in my heart, and pull me out of this misery. I know people out there generally care about me as a person, just not in the depth that I need. However, I am lucky that my husband genuinely cares enough to help me through it the best he can.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and the Wisdom to know the difference.