A Letter to my first baby

Since My ProLife Story has been accepted with love and respect, I thought it a wonderful thing to share with you the thoughts of an unmarried young woman facing an unplanned pregnancy. This is the letter I wrote to my daughter the day I found out I was pregnant with her. I hope it will somehow reach another woman as comforting in the face of adversity. These 10 years later, I cannot believe how graced I was in hopefulness and knowledge of things to come. I have yet to read it to my daughter, but know the time will be coming very soon.

 

January 3, 2002

To my sweetheart,

Today is the day you became real to me. My future has never been certain, and over much time I have found that God never gives us more than we can handle. He must believe me to be very strong, though I am weak without Him.

I grew up being loved by your grandparents. They taught me how to live as a Christian, and more so as a Catholic, with much responsibility. They taught me how to love unconditionally. Mom and Dad have always held me to my actions and their consequences. Today I am facing the fact that I have acted not according to God’s will, but my own. For that I am deeply sorry. You must remember this: that what you do always affects another, whether or not it is directly.

Tom has meant the world to me lately. He has seen me through the tears when I lost my job, and when I had lost hope. He has seen me though my smiles, and made many ever so bright, when I got a new job, over the holidays, as well as those long rides in the woods. Tom reminds me of my dad when I was young. How he’d hold me in his arms, up on his lap, and shower me with kisses. Dad loves me unconditionally, as so does Tom. Nothing could waver it.

Tom and I have been talking about our wedding day since a few weeks after we met. I think it quite the romantic story that I hope to tell you someday. We’ve been talking about it more and more each day. Everyone knows how serious we are about each other, but our engagement has not been made official (with the diamond ring, just a promise ring all worn to the copper, no announcements). He’s been trying to make sure everything is just right, to make it very special for us.

I am writing you right now because I want to tell you that I know you will be very smart, just like your father and me, and will figure out that we will be married after you were conceived. I am writing so that you understand that we are not getting married because of you, rather because we are very much in love with each other. And you are a result of this love we share. We plan on giving you all our love, and the best life we can offer. The rest is up to you. This is another lesson I’ve learned with my life.

I’ve prayed for your father since I was about 11 years old. I prayed to God that He would bring a man into my life that would support me in my life, beliefs, and share in all my joys - as I would in his. I am so happy to have found him, rather he found me! I’ve wanted to be a mother for even longer. To be able to care for someone that came from me. Someone to love unconditionally, and to the best of my ability. To teach the things I’ve learned, especially my faith in God. So understand that my feelings right now are of happiness to have the two things I’ve always wanted, just not the way I thought they would be.

Tom knows that I may be pregnant, but not for sure. We are going to a wonderful place called Birthline, tonight. They will tell us for sure and help support us in whatever we need at this time. I’ve always been rather calm about these kinds of situations, though this one is much bigger than the rest. You will definitely be our child always, and we plan on raising you as our son or daughter. Your aunt is adopted and was a true blessing to our family. So that is something I may have considered if the situation was different, but because of the certainty of my relationship with Tom, and my love for you, I couldn’t bear to give you away to another family.

Tom will be home soon, and we’ll be going to find out what to do next. Yes, I am worried about telling my parents and his. My family has gained great respect in this community and elsewhere. We haven’t pride, but have a need for respect. Some may look down on this for awhile, but as I mentioned before, my parents love me unconditionally, as so will they love you. People will not be upset at Tom and I, rather at the decision we made. And will watch closely at how we respond.

I hate to think of this as anyone’s “fault” or as a “problem.” It sounds so negative. The birth of any baby is a joyous occasion. I love your father so much I found him hard to resist. I have always believed in abstinence and waiting until marriage. But I am telling you it is most definitely not easy. Sometimes when you love much, you may think less about the results of loving too much too early. It’s not my fault, rather a wrong decision I made, that will effect my life, Tom’s, our families, and most especially yours. For that I am deeply sorry.

I worked with teens the past couple years through the church, and when I was in high school. I’ve seen friends and coworkers become suicidal, lost, unloved, addicted to drugs and alcohol… and I’ve done what I could at the time to comfort them and point them to the way of Christ. And yes, sometimes I’ve failed with them, and even with myself. But since I met Tom, I’ve been getting my life back they way it needed to be. I needed to grow up, learn to be responsible for myself, and strengthen my relationship with my parents and siblings. With my small efforts, God has put many great things before me. At the last conference I went to I was told by a spiritual leader that God had big plans in my life. God doesn’t change his plans, and I trust that as always, he will help me through this.

This letter is a lot for me as well as for you when I find the right moment to read it to you. Please forgive me if this has made your life difficult in anyway. We are both very sorry it happened this way. I am not sure if we can even make it up to you, but I promise to love you unconditionally for always.

Tom always writes a message for me on my little board on my fridge for me to read when I wake up or when I get home. Many times an “I love you” or “Good luck today.” It made me feel special and confident that I am doing the right thing. Here’s my message for you today:

To my baby,

You are a miracle, who has brought tears to my eyes. Tears that love you as you are, and who you will become. In hopes that your father and I will make you proud, and feel loved every day of your life. I am afraid of what some might say, but I have never been more certain that everything will be all right. I told Tom just the other day ‘Love surpasses all understanding.’

All my love,

Melissa

Your Mother