Revealing Myself

The Simple Woman's Daybook
~ Nov 17, 2008


FOR TODAY - I am sharing something really real. Most people have a hard time with hearing such raw thoughts from me. If you are not able to handle reading feelings related to depression, this post is not for you. If you are looking to "save" me somehow, this is not why I am writing. Only a miracle from God can save me today.


I have mostly good days, today is just not one of them.

Outside my window... is sunny skies that are decieving. It's really cold out there.


I am thinking... that life is monotonous and inreconciably disheartening. I'm in a reality slump, and wouldn't mind checking out for awhile.


I am thankful for... television and music that can distract me from this lonliness. Right now I am listening to my playlist on my Myspace. The song that gets me the most is "When I see you smile" by Firehouse.



From the learning rooms... there is not a sound, because the kids would rather play today, and I'd rather not.



In the kitchen... you can see piles of dishes undone, an old bowl full of apples that will never be baked, and a to do list I can't bear to look at again.



I am wearing... my coziest lounge outfit, blue with butterflies. Mostly because it's the only thing that really fits me nicely since my weight continues to go up. And I can't bear to buy anything larger or more of this size - which admits I'm stuck like this.



I am creating... nothing, because it would be a waste of time and money. I am surprised I am creating this post. I am not looking for pity or advice. I just want to be REAL.



I am going... back to bed or on a solitary walk as soon as Tom gets home.



I am reading... other blogs in hopes to find something that doesn't make me feel like such a failure.



I am hoping... for a godsend, a miraculous change in my day without any effort exerted from myself.



I am hearing... my children entertain themselves peacefully, knowing mommy's not "with-it" today.



Around the house... are piles of unfinished tasks, hobby projects waiting to be started, and toys strewn about the floor.



One of my favorite things... to do is watch movies that portray the life I'd like to have. Movies like Dan in real life, Emma, Ever After, Cheaper by the Dozen, White Christmas, Sound of Music, Mona Lisa Smile, Mr Deeds, Fireproof, French Kiss, etc...



A few plans for the rest of the week: I really hadn't thought that far. I'm just trying to get through today. I guess homeschool, go to the gym, homeschool co-op. My uncle's mother died, so I may be going to her funeral if I'm feeling better.



Here is picture thought I am sharing...
a moment I want to relive right now!

For heaven's sake, I am such a mess today. Since my birthday last week (which was a great day thanks to my mom and Jamie), I've been biting my nails again (haven't in over 10 years), I've cried every day and night, I feel embarrased and ashamed of myself, and can't help but wonder what everyone REALLY thinks of me, and at the same time afraid to find out.

If given the chance to hear what other people think of you, would you want to listen?

If given the chance to start your life from scratch, would you?

If you could chose between taking drugs and being numb to your internal feelings, or stay natural and have to fight every day to keep yourself going, which would you chose?

How would you act if you knew who you really were, but being that person would mean living a lonely life, would you chose it or fake who you are to be accepted?

For those who consider themselves very opinionated, do you keep it to yourself or risk alienation by speaking your mind inorder to be honest with your true self?

Update: feeling better, but got a long ways to go to best.