- We like to keep Mass interesting. We sit, stand and kneel, in no particular order. Probably just to keep the blood flowing. - It's not merlot and Ritz they're serving; it's the Flesh and Blood of Jesus. No, really. - Forget a big meal afterwards, just pick up some of the donuts they're always selling after Mass - Purgatory. - We all have 20 cousins. On each side of the family. - Infant Baptism isn't dumb; it's after-life insurance. - $5.00 in the collection basket is the epitome of generosity. Anything more than that, someone has hit the lottery. - A missal is a book, not a weapon. However, it has been known to pull double duty. - The front row is saved for the really brave. - The signs we make aren't just a mark of respect, they're a lot of fun to do. - Every Catholic Guy tries to sit next the really hot girl they like at Mass. This is because they really want to hug during "Peace Be With You" and hold hands for the "Our Father" - We really like statues. A lot. - After every confession, everyone hits themselves on the head. This is because they have realized that they forgot that really big sin, and they know that it'll hang over their head til the next time. - Contraceptives? Why? - Altar boys continue well into their twenties. - The 14 Stations has nothing to do with TV. - "Peace Be With You" is just a way to meet pretty girls. - We've always been taught that celibacy til marriage is the only way to go, forever and ever, amen. That being said... - "Sin on Friday. Confess on Saturday. Pray on Sunday." - The Mass doesn't start for a few minutes not because of tardy parisihioners. It's because the priest is running late. - The Virgin Mary is not a God and we don't treat her as such. But she is without sin, gave birth to Jesus and did it without having sex. That warrants more than a little respect. - 11:00 a.m. Mass means 11:15. - We actually get all the jokes in Dogma. - There are two very different, irreconcilable factions in every single church in the world. They are known as the Saturday or Sunday Mass bunch. - St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. SNAKES. - You miss JPII more than you miss some relatives. - Bake Sales are a way of life. - Your knees are more calloused than your feet. - Priests have been giving us alcohol since we were little kids. No wonder any one of us can drink Protestants under the table. - The Catholic way of dealing with a mid-life crisis is having another kid. - Mass is nearly unchanged after almost 2000 years. We're a little stubborn. - Catholic School Girls. - Whatever you gave up for Lent, you have it in your hands at 11:59 p.m. Saturday night, counting the seconds til midnight. - Episcopalians are referred to as "Diet Catholics" - You either love or hate the Stations of the Cross. There is no middle ground. - We all know Da Vinci code is bogus and inaccurate. Yet we'll still read it if nothing else is goin on. - "Offer it up!" = "Quit bitching!" - We have Midnight Mass so there are no interruptions on Christmas morning - You've slipped out an Amen after the Pledge of Allegiance. - Holy Water can kill just about anything. So Protestants are pretty much screwed if a vampire comes calling. - There's no way to explain it, but Catholic girls are just scorching hot. (thank you!) - There's no need for impromptu prayer; you can always fall back on the Rosary. - Pope Benedict XVI scares you. Badly. - It's not uncommon for just one family to take up an entire pew or two. - Boondock Saints is the greatest movie ever. E-Ver. - Confession. Enough said. - You're of the opinion that Stephen Colbert should be Canonized. - When in doubt, say a Hail Mary. - Who created Family Guy? Oh yeah, a Catholic! - Whenever anyone in Star Wars saga says "May the Force Be With You", we get the urge to say "And Also With You" - The Pope does indeed wear a funny hat. But it's way more interesting than Joel Osteen's suit and tie. - If you see a guy leaning forward, looking half-dead with his head on the pew in front of him... he's not praying. He's hungover and was guilted into coming to Mass anyway. - Even though you never met her or been to a country she's been in, you're still willing to have "seen" a miracle by Mother Teresa. - We're the oldest Christian religion. Period.
If you appreciated, chuckled or even smiled at some of these, you're not a wacko. You're just probably a member of the one of the oldest and largest religions in the world. Open to all Catholics around the world.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a special gift for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived,with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metalsurface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries,right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really neededto try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for afraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directionssaid that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsyAAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it dipshit." Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to ,my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
WHAT THE HECK?!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples onfire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thingas a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think being educated is difficult, try being stupid."
Okay, this video is just too funny to pass up. Some may find it rediculous - but that's kind of the point! My kids won't be like this, but I actually wouldn't mind it if they were. And just a heads up, this kid is homeschooled and quite creative!
The truth of Oprah's new religion based on feelings are exposed.
Oprah's new online class covering Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth is exposed. They conducted the first mass trance. Over 2 Million participated in this new age class, a new book Don't Drink the Kool-Aid uncovers shocking truths that must be shared.
What kind of crap will we see in this generation? Feelings, nothing more than feelings. If I lived based upon my "feelings," and not my beliefs -I'd be as sure as dead.